Is AARP an APP?

     I keep getting e-mails and other alerts from these people.  Does that mean I am bowl eligible for some age-related thing?         

     Recently I got an older alert written a couple of years before by Ms. Laura Daily on the subject of special funerals being requested by us boomers because we are different.  My former law partner who is a lawyer, minister, funeral services director, and community volunteer offered specialized caskets for sale — any design air-brushed on.  His personal favorite was the United Postal Service symbol with the emblazoned “Return to Sender” stamped over it.  In my neck of the woods, stock car themes were popular as well.

     Some guy even wrote a book called Exit Strategy.  You could be placed in a concrete reef ball by Eternal Reefs (your leftovers are mixed in concrete – environmentally safe, of course — to create a new marine habitat).  Ms. Daily reports that Space Services, Inc. will put a bottle rocket in you and do a “suborbital earth orbit”.   Angels Flight Inc. appears more truthful and says they can do a wonderful fireworks display with you as the center of the attraction, if you know what I mean.

     Even the funeral rooms are going all weird with theme designed viewing rooms like Dad’s Den or Mom’s Kitchen or even a BBQ theme.  Creative Cremains will pack what is left of you into anything – fishing rods; golf clubs; musical instruments.  Every time I hit this nine iron, I think of Old Dad.

      Trying to turn you into a better ROI than you were in real life, LifeGem squeezes your remains to carbon and then to an actual diamond.  In my case, that will be a big rock but can you imagine the Mrs. testing my butt remains out on the glass at Wendy’s to see if was for real.  I just hope the new pool boy appreciates what I went through to get her that big rock on her finger.

     Well, since all these companies somehow know my birthday and send me end of life, Medicare, and social security flyers, I just might buy a lottery ticket to go out in style.  But wait – I learn that if I drive 10 miles to buy a ticket, I am more likely to get killed in an auto accident than to actually win the jackpot drawing.  One of my law partners says:  Buy a ticket or don’t buy a ticket: same odds.  So I guess I am getting old and depressed about all this at the same time.  But wait, there comes the mailman with new mail.