Lawyeringforlawyers
This can be deemed an advertisement in some jurisdictions.
  • Home
  • About Steve
  • Law Firm Blog
  • Humor Blog
  • Contact

WIRED:  WE COMMUNICATE, BUT WE DON’T CONVERSE

5/5/2014

 
 

 

                   Whenever one of us Boomers talks of back in the day, the eyes of the youngers glaze over.  I recall the same reaction when I was younger and thought those people ready for a pre-need burial plan.  Now I be one of them and change seems huge.  Growing up in a more rural area, old-time expressions were vague, but you got their gist.  I decided to go to Law School based upon the compliment:  “That boy could talk a dog off of a meat wagon.”  I viewed it as praise and as a direction for employment.

                          Changes are all about and technology is behind many of them.  Kodak goes out of the film business; Hostess files for bankruptcy as the Twinkie goes down; the red telephone pay phone boxes in England are sold for bar items since all there use a cell phone; gas drilling now goes deep and turns horizontally, opening huge new reserves; people communicate on “social networking” sites with names such as Twitter, Linkedin, Facebook, My Space, Bebo, Friendster, hi5, Orkut, PerfSpot, Zorphia, Netlog, and Habbo.  Revolutions in foreign countries are run with such social media sites and the regimes try to close down the “net” to stay in power.  Younger lawyers have only known computers and text to others next door and do not seem to be able to converse in public. 

                   This leads to our legal marketing public relations types giving instructions to young lawyers on how to engage in small talk with potential clients.  We old guys are amazed and have great fun at their expense.

                     Blogs, or computer columns, even write on “Smart Schmoozing:  Big Tips for Small Talk.”  These people never developed their “verbal fluency” it seems and need to be taught so they can “network”.  You need to develop your “schmooze factor” it seems.  Again, may I ask where your Momma was when this basic skill needed some development?  “Steve, look him in the eye, and shake his hand firmly, and stand straight,” said Momma.

                     So, the computer age people have to be taught to build rapport, trust, and connections in the face-to-face world.  Oh, for the love, these writers tell them to hang out near the food, pick out a conversation piece to discuss; wear an interesting accessory; approach people standing alone; “observe, ask, reveal”; TV shows and sports are great subjects but avoid religion and politics; watch the body language; and get out of the conversation when you can.  Well, as the younger say in text talk — WTF?  What happened to common sense and basic human relations?

                      Old guys translate what the marketing types are writing and sending as:  Be a lion and go hunt the gazelles.  Wear a silly hat; interrogate the hell out of the person you meet; and walk away from them as soon as you can, and then rinse and repeat.  Great advice it seems for those who are already humanly challenged.  To quote one unknown writer said:

          “In my mind, the best way to become a thought leader is through Legal Brand Journalism™.  Legal Brand Journalism cuts out the reporter – the middle man – and allows any entity to produce its own news for its own audiences, becoming the mechanism by which thought leadership happens.”

What?

 

                         In the 1990’s business speak, known in the country as bovine fertilizer, was rolled into mission statements for groups.  They were written like the above.  My favorite short version came from some clever friends who did criminal defense work and said:  “Reasonable doubt for a reasonable fee.”  A bunch of word dogs appeared in this era of change and business development.

“Thinking outside of the box.”

“It is a home run deal and is win-win.”

“This is a paradigm shift.”

“Synergy”

“At the end of the day”

“Going forward”

“Seamless integration”

 “24/7”

“Market-driven”

“Take-aways”

“Deeper dive”

“Drill down”

 

 

                 Only as one of my friends said just the other day:  “Bob needs to drill down to focus on the low-hanging fruit.  He then can be the best in breed and display his core competency.  That kind of synergy will maximize leverage, manage expectations, improve ROI and get granular.  This is mission critical and will lead to next steps transparent to all the stakeholders.”  Yes, please watch where you step.

 

                Well, maybe we should just allow them to text and stay in their offices.  The old guys will talk small talk with the clients who pay their salaries.  These wired people in their dark rooms with computer screens can be totally alone — together.






 



 

 










BAD BUSINESS JARGON – PART DEUX

3/8/2014

 



 
     Last month I got hung up on business speak.  After that article
I realized the Ridiculous Business Jargon Dictionary (see, theofficelife.com)
is way more fun than any regular dictionary.


      I could not resist some other business terms for your consideration such
as:

Management Porn: 
The long number slides used and loved so much by managers.

Mouse Potato:
Spends hour after hour on the computer.

Mucus Trooper:
Always has a terrible cold, but manages to make it to work to spread the virus on a regular basis.

Open the Kimono:
Reveal inside company information.

O.T. Mail:
Sending a useless e-mail just to let boss know you were working late.

Pre-mumble:
Preliminary comments of a speaker, after with attempts of lame humor.

Queen of the Pigs:
The best of the bad bunch in an organization.

RDB:
The origin of ideas pulled out of one’s posterior: i.e., a rectal data base.

Rooster Call:
Early in the morning meeting.

Slave Trader
:
Human resource people who hire and fire personnel.

Tap Dancer:
Worker who seems busy, but always is in the same place.

Time Pig:
Useless project taking lots of time.

Vubicle:
Cubicle with a window.

What the Musk?:
Reaction to co-worker with overbearing cologne.

Zerotasking:
Doing nothing at all, as in Fred is zerotasking again.




      I refer you to the Office Life site for more of the ridiculous, but regularly used, language and even signs.  Now those folks have a sense of humor.


      Before I zerotask out, I pass on from the internet the
Five Rules for Men to Follow to Have a Happy Life alleged to be from some guy’s tombstone:


1.        It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2.        It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3.        It’s important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn’t lie to you.

4.        It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5.        It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.


BUSINESS SPEAK

2/4/2014

 



 
 
      You are watching an old movie, even period pieces, and the characters break into lingo popular when the movie was made.  Yes, that Robert E. Lee is “a swell guy”.  The passage of time makes you look like an idiot when you revert to a phase from your earlier years like the 50ish lady who recently said “cool beans” to me in approval, or the city judge who called me “Cool Breeze”.  Of course, words like “dude” can be used in so many ways it is almost like a universal phrase.  I have often written of the corporate speak which is “way worser”, as they say where I am from.  The 1990’s had the “home run deal”, “synergy” and the “mission driven” strategy with “deliverables”. 



      Stupid business terms abound (excuse me, but I get weary when these are used all over the place and then repeated to prove your worldliness):

• Deep dive

• Drill down

• Helicopter view

• Couch an idea

• On the same page

• Pain points

• Outside the box

• Trajectory of the project

• Ducks in a row

* Let’s go off-line

• Band width

• Silos

• Lean in

• Value added

• Take away

• Perception is reality

• Return on investment (aka Bang for the Buck)

• Getting granular



      Now, who is to say that some of these business phrases cannot be more
fun*:

*Alpha Pup (lead new guy)

*Alpha Geek  (head of IT)

*Nerd Rustling (stealing quality IT personnel)

*Al Desco (eating at your desk)

*Chairborne Infantry (company troops)

*Armchair General (lots of opinions, but no field experience)

*Assmosis (success from sucking up)

*Blamestorming (finding someone collectively to blame)

*Checked Eskimo (clearly so unqualified for job she must
have checked Eskimo on her job application)

*Deckfast (breakfast at the desk)

*Dope-ler Effect (stupid ideas sound better when they come
in waves at you)

*Flight Risk (employee likely to jump
ship)

*Her-assment (sexual harassment done by a female)

*Lombard (lots of money, but a real dumb ass)

*Lunch and Learn (way for management to get an extra hour out of you at lunch)

*Low Decision Latitude (inability to make any decisions because at the bottom of the corporate chain)

     Oh, it would be so fun to have a swell time and go on. I am only
halfway through the list, but “I’ll loop you in later” so “nothing gets lost in the sauce”, or would you rather just “marinate” on this article until next month's follow-up?


*See, Ridiculous Business Jargon Dictionary at the OfficeLife.com


    Author

    Having written and published an allegedly humorous book while travelling to lawyers' meetings, Steve was counseled by his friends to keep his day job. This site allows him to do both.

    Archives

    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    August 2012

    Categories

    All
    Alleged Humor
    Alleged Humor
    Business Terms
    Humor
    Irony
    Lawyer Defense Organizations
    Lawyer Defense Organizations
    Social Media
    Whiskey

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.