Category: Humor

WHISKEY IS GOOD FOR YOU?

4/2/2015

                    Down deep in her heart, my mother must have known that. While she did not partake, she did use it for cooking purposes. I would line up for seconds on her rum cake which leaked rum even after baking. Her Christmas Bourbon Balls were the Jell-O shots of today. The problem was that you gained eight pounds by the time you got mellow.

                    If we had only been able to have this discussion about the “10 Health Benefits of Whiskey” recently published by The Luxury Spot on that internet thing. Even so, I am sure moderation would have been her word back to me. I guess you can write an article about anything being good for you – in some way. The Scots and the Irish called whiskey “the water of life” adapted into their early language from the Latin aqua vitae. Of course, we all know distilled alcohol in the form of beer, wine and spirits came about from really bad drinking water in those days. One of the first things the Pilgrims built was a way to brew beer.

                    The authors of the above health piece assert that, if you are going to drink alcohol, whiskey can be good for you. They say it has:

Lower calories than mixed drinks, beer and wine.
Better heart health attributes by reducing blood clots, reduce risk of stroke and heart attacks and can even lower your cholesterol.
Contains helpful antioxidants.
Can reduce dementia.
Can reduce stroke risk, fight stress, boost memory, aid indigestion, increase life span and as zero-carbs can help with diabetes.
Gets rid of warts and in-grown toenails (not really, but I threw that in for fun just in case you were not yet convinced).

                    I am sure the Pork Council advocates that a pound of bacon a day is good for the sheen in your hair. Well, whether documented by full scientific studies or not, I chose to believe that a tumbler a day of good whiskey is now good for me. As they say: “Can’t hurt, and might help.”

                    The Guinness Factory on the River Liffey in Dublin claimed for years in their “adverts” that “Guinness is Good for You” but were stopped long ago by the regulators. Now some researchers at the University of Wisconsin say a pint of the Guinness may work as well as a low dose of aspirin to prevent heart clots. Again, the wonderful antioxidants are the reason, just like in whiskey.

                    Like them, I make no medical claims here, but a senior partner of my law firm had a long history of heart issues. On one of his several serious heart attacks, they called in the family for the very grave situation. He asked his heart specialist, a hunting buddy, “Well, can I have a drink?” He then had a stiff belt of whiskey and lived more than 10 more years after that until the big one got him (as he was hanging up his fishing rod from a trip when he was in his eighties). That sure convinced me.

                    In the event any of the health benefits are true, and because there could be snakes in the halls of these high-rise office buildings, I am having a tumbler tonight after the car is in the garage and the clients put away for the night. They say a little will help my health.

“AGAINST THE ASSAULT OF LAUGHTER NOTHING CAN STAND” Mark Twain

9/2/2014

There are days when I grumble about everything. As they say, a grumpy person of German descent is known as a Sour Kraut. It is like the days when the sand at the beach gets stuck in your underdrawers and there is no relief. Of course, on other days I sometimes just find humor in any of the daily reads. Writers for BuzzFeed had fun describing what one’s adult beverage of choice said about them and they got me laughing.

Some drink description examples from their June 2014 piece:

Whiskey sodas are for bar fights.

Tequila shots are what you do only after you are already so drunk you can no longer experience pain.

Scotch actually tastes better if you wear a monocle while drinking it.

Margaritas are for people who go “Woooo” at the same time.

Hennessey are uncle drinks.

Gin and Tonic is for old white men with too much money. You don’t have bar fights with them, you have bar disagreements.

Bloody Marys are for those who like getting wasted more than eating brunch.

Champagne is for people who are really good at online shopping.

Everclear grain alcohol is for when you just want to die.

Flaming drinks are for people who do not want to pay to have their eyebrows tweezed.

Martinis are for wives cheating on their boring finance world husbands with the pizza delivery guy.

Red Bull and Vodka are for people who I would not leave with my wallet or children.

See Bashutskyy and Chris Ritter for BuzzFeed for many more and even better descriptions. I am now afraid to order any drink now — hey, don’t judge me.

Switching topics like a woman seeking new shoes to match a purse or a guy at the 50-item salad bar, I observe that the University of Michigan Transportation Research Institute has now rated North Dakota, South Carolina and West Virginia as places with the highest odds of becoming a traffic fatality. Now, that is profiling, I do not care what you say.

They rate D.C. and Massachusetts as the lowest chance of a traffic fatality. Back up the truck! Since they used the number of road deaths by distance driven and the number relating to state population, doesn’t it seem odd that the high density Northeast Corridor would have fewer deaths than the thirteen (13) almost empty Robert C. Byrd Highways in West Virginia? I suspect the high number of deer strikes here might also skew the results. As Dad said, “Since most accidents occur within three (3) miles of home, we are going to move.”

Bad Decisions Make Good Stories

8/5/2014

                    You never know when it will strike, but there comes a certain moment when you just know nothing productive is going to happen for the rest of the day. Sometimes it starts when you exit from a Word document and it pops up a block asking you if you want to save changes? Wait, the thing is, you just read your long document and made no changes! That moment can also come when you are winning an argument and you suddenly realize you are wrong.

                     Yes, we all know that much later our errors and bad judgments can become good stories. It has happened to many of us, except for those few who were born without the humor gene. You all know them — the wrapped-too-tight person who thinks way too much of themselves. I believe there could be peace in the Middle East, but for them.

                      We know lots of people who want to be funny, but their timing or thought process is way off. Likewise, you don’t want to be viewed as the class clown covering up for some deep-seated insecurity. But, truth be told, a little humor is good for you and helps you lead others if done properly. CEO’s tend to say a sense of humor is one of their most important traits. Even Warren Buffett has been known to toss in one-liners in serious topics (“You only find out who is swimming naked when the tide goes out.”). You remember a good and funny ad long after it has ended as another example.

                       Humor can be an effective teaching tool to make a difficult subject more approachable. A Professor of Law I know made ethics courses attractive with a proper mix of humor. I might note that that ethics courses are not usually funny. So humor can be a practical tool as well.

Attention Parents

Unattended children will be given a

Red Bull and a free kazoo.

                       I personally like to use instead: children will be given a cup of coffee and a free puppy to get their attention. Some do not laugh, but they understand that little Dennis the Menace needs some supervision.

                       Perhaps a little wit or humor might make your life and work a bit more enjoyable. Go ahead, bust out a good joke and laugh with your friends — at no one’s expense but yours. That is where the bad decisions can later make for a good story. I can freely joke about forming a Big Republicans for Christie Club. But I’ll kick your ass if you make a joke about my weight, or my thyroid problem as I’ll say, to make you feel really bad.

HONEST OFFICER

7/7/2014

     . . . . I just had two beers. This is the most common legal defense attempted in the court system of West Virginia. Every magistrate or judge does the Judge Judy eye roll on this. The most common testimony in my home court is: “Well, we stopped at the Git and Go and bought some beer, and then we . . . . . . [insert crime here]. One of my friends calls these “Stop and Rob” stores and he is largely right. The other common story line in these stores starts with, “Watch this” and then . . . . . . . A recent AP story reports a Tennessee man mistakenly took a swig of gasoline from a jar on a table inside a friend’s home. Thereafter, he stepped outside to light up a cig and then ——, you guessed it. Darwin proves his theory again.

     When an officer pulled us over in our much younger days, we were just cleaning out the carburetor on the family car because our parents drove so slow. It was sort of a public service defense we offered. Now, I do a hair flip and state boldly: “Officer, I am trying to get to a gas station before the prices go up.”

     As a frequent complainer about the poor quality of air service, I extended my driving range to deal with that poor quality. Now as I most literally watch the gasoline prices jump overnight, it is a problem. It was a little hard to drive to Phoenix from the home city, but in my mind it was a close call for a Board Meeting. The cattle freight airline had a wheels-up plan for 5:18 a.m., but that did not happen.   Five hours later we took off to Stop One and then after thirteen hours in transit, we made it to the Arizona desert. Good times.

     The moaning and groaning stopped however when we arrived in Phoenix at the Arizona Biltmore, now a Waldorf Astoria property but originally a Frank Lloyd Wright influenced design. It opened February 23, 1929, some seven months before the Great Depression. I note that many large scale properties opened during the 1920’s (the Broadmoor in Colorado; La Quinta in Palm Desert; The Cloisters at Sea Island; and the Biltmore). Described as “The Jewel of the Desert” when it opened, the Arizona Biltmore was owned by William Wrigley, Jr. and his family for 44 years. Every President except Herbert Hoover has stayed there and Hoover must have held some grudge against the gum people. Movie stars honeymooned here and Irving Berlin penned White Christmas while sitting under palm trees at the huge pool in the sun. Opposites seem to attract, so the desert heat at the pool must have inspired him to think of white snow on Christmas.

     Frank Lloyd Wright had a unique design style and you see that through the architect protégé who did the Biltmore design. Wright built Taliesin West near here in January 1940 and its weirdness overwhelms his Pennsylvania Falling Rock home. Nevertheless, his designs remain as iconic style items.

     The Arizona Biltmore remains a premiere location to announce political campaigns and host events. But what do NASCAR and a rodeo have in common at a March event — think beautiful young “nieces” with their older “uncles” — truly a family place. The big boys of stock car racing were in town, as is the 59th Scottsdale Parada Del Sol Rodeo. So, we go see the rodeo for an evening and have big fun. Our big touring bus goes up on two wheels in a very close car encounter on the way back, so maybe stock car racing and rodeo do have something in common. The rodeo clown asks if anyone is from Alabama. In response to positive claps, he says: “Call home immediately, the trailer park is on fire, and the Capital burned.” My friend from Mobile said he was going down to kick his ass, but he better call Montgomery, Alabama first to see if it was true.

     I left the desert Board Meeting with the understanding that my lawyer group is making progress and now has 25% female lawyers. I still say women just do not think the same as men — e.g., a man walks down the street with a bald head and a big beer belly, and still thinks he is sexy.

VISIT THE HOKEY POKEY CLINIC –WHERE WE TURN THINGS AROUND

6/2/2014

     Well, Elvis is dead, and I am not feeling so good myself. The big newspaper, the New York Times, reports that lawyers rank second on a list of most sleep-deprived occupations, just trailing home health aides and blowing way by doctors and paramedics. A legal blog called Above the Law commented on the average seven hours a night listed for lawyers by asking: “What the hell kind of lazy lawyer is getting seven entire hours of sleep every day?” Did you know that beds in Shakespeare’s time had ropes under them which could be tightened? Hence, “Goodnight, and sleep tight.” A friend’s daughter uses the modern shorthand and refers to the English Bard as “Billy Shakes.”

     Just as I realize my sleeplessness is occupation related, I learn depressing news about the home twenty. 24/7 Wall Street which has nothing else to do it seems, reports that Americans are not happier than they were last year. In fact, they were slightly more miserable. How do you count that? How does the U.N. report the number of chickens in each nation? I wonder about the use of such stats, most of which are made up – at least by me.

     Well, this pseudoscience source says Hawaii remains in first place (Mai Tai’s perhaps make all happy) and my home state of West Virginia is last. They claim we bottomed out in life expectancy, obesity, median household income, and low in well-being and diplomas. It is no comfort that the close to us misery states were in the South (5 of the 10) with Ohio and Delaware following closely in the bottom tier. Highest levels of well-being were either in the West or the Midwest.

     Whoever 24/7 is, they are entitled to their opinion and stats. Mark Twain, supposedly quoting, but never proven, English Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli, said: “There are three kinds of lies — lies, damned lies, and statistics.” We lawyers make our living by researching the law and finding our best version. So, with research by Psychology Professor Joe Forgas of the University of New South Wales, I can argue there are down sides to being really happy. The Washington Post reports that another psychologist, Edward Diener and others say happy people early in life earned less money than those less cheerful. Happiness may not benefit your career and happys are not likely to get a better job or get more education. Sad people it seems pay more attention to details and think in a more systematic manner, the story says. Happy people are easier to deceive, so read on you happys.

     Well, cheer up, Guinness used to advertise that “Guinness is good for you”, implying medicinal value. In Bill Shakes’ day, the ceramic cups had a whistle baked in so you could easily re-order in a loud bar and thus: “Wet your whistle.” Likewise, beer came in either pints or quarts and when the customers got rowdy, the innkeeper often yelled: “Mind your P’s and Q’s.” So, I may wet my whistle to get myself out of the misery I did not know I even had. I do not care what you say, I am not moving to Cedar Rapids where everybody is happy, so there.

      A writer who grew up in my home town, stringing for Gallup, reports that West Virginia has the nation’s worst statistics in 10 of 12 categories in the Gallup Healthways ranking. The local health director says: “I think someone is sending us a message that our approach to health care hasn’t worked.”

     I am still feeling low and looking to “blame storm” for the cause and thus systematically paying attention to details. I am thinking it was politics. You see, the farm lobby was large back in the day and represented votes. They got Congress to enact farm subsidies. The government then had large quantities of farm goods which they gave away to schools. The standard lunches used commodity butter, cheese, pinto beans, and peanut butter. School lunches rotated these food stuffs and made everything out of them, including hats. Kids got fat, farmers got paid, and Congress got votes. I notice that these commodities are not the top choices in my Weight Watchers’ Wednesday classes. Of course, I am just there to set an example for the others in the office.

WIRED: WE COMMUNICATE, BUT WE DON’T CONVERSE

5/5/2014

                   Whenever one of us Boomers talks of back in the day, the eyes of the youngers glaze over. I recall the same reaction when I was younger and thought those people ready for a pre-need burial plan. Now I be one of them and change seems huge. Growing up in a more rural area, old-time expressions were vague, but you got their gist. I decided to go to Law School based upon the compliment: “That boy could talk a dog off of a meat wagon.” I viewed it as praise and as a direction for employment.

                          Changes are all about and technology is behind many of them. Kodak goes out of the film business; Hostess files for bankruptcy as the Twinkie goes down; the red telephone pay phone boxes in England are sold for bar items since all there use a cell phone; gas drilling now goes deep and turns horizontally, opening huge new reserves; people communicate on “social networking” sites with names such as Twitter, Linkedin, Facebook, My Space, Bebo, Friendster, hi5, Orkut, PerfSpot, Zorphia, Netlog, and Habbo. Revolutions in foreign countries are run with such social media sites and the regimes try to close down the “net” to stay in power. Younger lawyers have only known computers and text to others next door and do not seem to be able to converse in public.

                  This leads to our legal marketing public relations types giving instructions to young lawyers on how to engage in small talk with potential clients. We old guys are amazed and have great fun at their expense.

                     Blogs, or computer columns, even write on “Smart Schmoozing: Big Tips for Small Talk.” These people never developed their “verbal fluency” it seems and need to be taught so they can “network”. You need to develop your “schmooze factor” it seems. Again, may I ask where your Momma was when this basic skill needed some development? “Steve, look him in the eye, and shake his hand firmly, and stand straight,” said Momma.

                     So, the computer age people have to be taught to build rapport, trust, and connections in the face-to-face world. Oh, for the love, these writers tell them to hang out near the food, pick out a conversation piece to discuss; wear an interesting accessory; approach people standing alone; “observe, ask, reveal”; TV shows and sports are great subjects but avoid religion and politics; watch the body language; and get out of the conversation when you can. Well, as the younger say in text talk — WTF? What happened to common sense and basic human relations?

                      Old guys translate what the marketing types are writing and sending as: Be a lion and go hunt the gazelles. Wear a silly hat; interrogate the hell out of the person you meet; and walk away from them as soon as you can, and then rinse and repeat. Great advice it seems for those who are already humanly challenged. To quote one unknown writer said:

          “In my mind, the best way to become a thought leader is through Legal Brand Journalism™. Legal Brand Journalism cuts out the reporter – the middle man – and allows any entity to produce its own news for its own audiences, becoming the mechanism by which thought leadership happens.”

What?

                         In the 1990’s business speak, known in the country as bovine fertilizer, was rolled into mission statements for groups. They were written like the above. My favorite short version came from some clever friends who did criminal defense work and said: “Reasonable doubt for a reasonable fee.” A bunch of word dogs appeared in this era of change and business development.

“Thinking outside of the box.”

“It is a home run deal and is win-win.”

“This is a paradigm shift.”

“Synergy”

“At the end of the day”

“Going forward”

“Seamless integration”

“24/7”

“Market-driven”

“Take-aways”

“Deeper dive”

“Drill down”

                 Only as one of my friends said just the other day: “Bob needs to drill down to focus on the low-hanging fruit. He then can be the best in breed and display his core competency. That kind of synergy will maximize leverage, manage expectations, improve ROI and get granular. This is mission critical and will lead to next steps transparent to all the stakeholders.” Yes, please watch where you step.

                Well, maybe we should just allow them to text and stay in their offices. The old guys will talk small talk with the clients who pay their salaries. These wired people in their dark rooms with computer screens can be totally alone — together.

OBITUARIES WOULD BE INTERESTING READING IF THEY TOLD YOU HOW THE PERSON DIED

4/9/2014

                       The three certainties we face in life: (1) taxes; (2) concrete will crack; and (3) death. I am sure that it was true for all of you that you never looked at an obituary ever as a young person. Someone like your mother told you if a friend of the family died. You probably made fun of older people talking about such things and reading the obits every day.

                        And then it happened. If you are still old school enough to read real ink, your eyes move to the obits. You do not want to, but like looking at a “People of Wal-Mart” photo display, you just cannot help yourself. It appears to be part of the cycle of life’s rich pageant. You read for the odd and weird obituary, or to see those who know. Come on, admit it that on some of them you want to know what really did them in — jealous wife, skydiving, what?

                        I do not want to get preoccupied with this dark subject, but some things about it are downright funny. I have written before about blasting your ashes into space, or compressing them into a new golf club, fly rod or such for the family to cherish. I saw a recently departed fully attired in leathers and helmet astride his beloved Harley in a large Plexiglas display case, ready to be lowered into the final internment. It was just a little bit weird.

                        A local shoe repair shop always had very new shoes of various types and sizes on a rack for sale as “used”. A late Federal Appellate Judge friend of mine always called them dead men shoes and was convinced the local directors repurposed them and sold them for the shoe shop. Just like the news anchors on TV, no one sees what the deceased is wearing below the waist anyway. Will they really need those new wing tips where they are going?

                        An Associated Press reporter in Los Angeles recently reported upon the latest in this morbid style of humor. Forest Lawn, the Dirt Purveyor to the Stars, has started opening sales kiosks in the local Los Angeles malls. “We try to reach our audience where they are at and the mall is a great way to do that”, said Ben Sussman, spokesman for Forest Lawn, whose cemeteries include customers such as Walt Disney, Elizabeth Taylor and Michael Jackson for examples.

                        Wait, let’s run down to the mall and pick up some socks and underwear. What the heck, let’s also get a burial plot. While they claim to be discreet, checking out an urn for grandma seems a bit odd when she is on her walker and with you at the mall. We’ll see how this works and let you know.

                        You may remember my friend who opened a casket store (he is also a part-time minister and a lawyer, so he can do the full package). His custom designs include stock cars and sports teams and one with a post office theme marked “Return to Sender”. You have to have a sense of humor.

BAD BUSINESS JARGON – PART DEUX

3/8/2014

     Last month I got hung up on business speak. After that article
I realized the Ridiculous Business Jargon Dictionary (see, theofficelife.com)
is way more fun than any regular dictionary.

      I could not resist some other business terms for your consideration such
as:

Management Porn:
The long number slides used and loved so much by managers.

Mouse Potato:
Spends hour after hour on the computer.

Mucus Trooper:
Always has a terrible cold, but manages to make it to work to spread the virus on a regular basis.

Open the Kimono:
Reveal inside company information.

O.T. Mail:
Sending a useless e-mail just to let boss know you were working late.

Pre-mumble:
Preliminary comments of a speaker, after with attempts of lame humor.

Queen of the Pigs:
The best of the bad bunch in an organization.

RDB:
The origin of ideas pulled out of one’s posterior: i.e., a rectal data base.

Rooster Call:
Early in the morning meeting.

Slave Trader:
Human resource people who hire and fire personnel.

Tap Dancer:
Worker who seems busy, but always is in the same place.

Time Pig:
Useless project taking lots of time.

Vubicle:
Cubicle with a window.

What the Musk?:
Reaction to co-worker with overbearing cologne.

Zerotasking:
Doing nothing at all, as in Fred is zerotasking again.

      I refer you to the Office Life site for more of the ridiculous, but regularly used, language and even signs. Now those folks have a sense of humor.

      Before I zerotask out, I pass on from the internet the Five Rules for Men to Follow to Have a Happy Life alleged to be from some guy’s tombstone:

1.        It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2.        It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3.        It’s important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn’t lie to you.

4.        It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5.        It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

BUSINESS SPEAK

2/4/2014

      You are watching an old movie, even period pieces, and the characters break into lingo popular when the movie was made. Yes, that Robert E. Lee is “a swell guy”. The passage of time makes you look like an idiot when you revert to a phase from your earlier years like the 50ish lady who recently said “cool beans” to me in approval, or the city judge who called me “Cool Breeze”. Of course, words like “dude” can be used in so many ways it is almost like a universal phrase. I have often written of the corporate speak which is “way worser”, as they say where I am from. The 1990’s had the “home run deal”, “synergy” and the “mission driven” strategy with “deliverables”.

      Stupid business terms abound (excuse me, but I get weary when these are used all over the place and then repeated to prove your worldliness):

• Deep dive

• Drill down

• Helicopter view

• Couch an idea

• On the same page

• Pain points

• Outside the box

• Trajectory of the project

• Ducks in a row

* Let’s go off-line

• Band width

• Silos

• Lean in

• Value added

• Take away

• Perception is reality

• Return on investment (aka Bang for the Buck)

• Getting granular

      Now, who is to say that some of these business phrases cannot be more
fun*:

*Alpha Pup (lead new guy)

*Alpha Geek (head of IT)

*Nerd Rustling (stealing quality IT personnel)

*Al Desco (eating at your desk)

*Chairborne Infantry (company troops)

*Armchair General (lots of opinions, but no field experience)

*Assmosis (success from sucking up)

*Blamestorming (finding someone collectively to blame)

*Checked Eskimo (clearly so unqualified for job she must
have checked Eskimo on her job application)

*Deckfast (breakfast at the desk)

*Dope-ler Effect (stupid ideas sound better when they come
in waves at you)

*Flight Risk (employee likely to jump
ship)

*Her-assment (sexual harassment done by a female)

*Lombard (lots of money, but a real dumb ass)

*Lunch and Learn (way for management to get an extra hour out of you at lunch)

*Low Decision Latitude (inability to make any decisions because at the bottom of the corporate chain)

     Oh, it would be so fun to have a swell time and go on. I am only
halfway through the list, but “I’ll loop you in later” so “nothing gets lost in the sauce”, or would you rather just “marinate” on this article until next month's follow-up?

*See, Ridiculous Business Jargon Dictionary at the OfficeLife.com

A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS THE SIGN OF A VERY FUZZY MEMORY

1/7/2014

     Conversely stated: “Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.” People have short memories and you often see people doing things that they know better, as Momma used to say. The late Comedian Lewis Grizzard was married so many times he said there were bumper stickers saying, “Honk if you have been married to Lewis Grizzard.” Every time he divorced, someone backed up a truck and took half of his stuff, but he kept getting married, even just before his last heart issue.

     Past returns are no guarantee of future success, but investors always chase returns. Smokers ignore the Surgeon General’s warnings on cigarette packs. Neuro-scientist Paul Glimcher of New York University found that cells deep in the brain calculate a sort of moving average of past events, giving the greatest weight to the most recent outcomes. What have you done for me lately is really true.

     So, I am hoping you have forgotten some of my old tales and are living only in the moment. When I said I donated all proceeds of my prior book to a local scholarship fund, perhaps that made you forget the quality of the read.

     Likewise, I should live in the moment and not harken back to the Hard Road adventures of travels for lawyer meetings. I have always believed that travel of all types made you more savvy, if not just smarter. I grew up normal as the child of a modest post-WW II marriage with all the Baby Boomers attributes of hard work and education as the goals. I followed that and also had the benefit of being an only child whose parents believed in taking me along for travel as education. Mind you, it was in the back seat of the family Chevy driving all over the southeast, but stopping to visit all local attractions. While of modest means, these trips broadened the horizons and spiked interest in both travel and history. I feel lucky for the exposure.

     Headed to Chicago, one of the great American working cities, I am booked in at someone else’s expense at the near lakefront Trump International on Wabash for the second year in a row. The latest sky puncher is designed to be truly a bit more international than any of the local non-chain motels of my early travels.

     For reasons known only to them, in the past they upgraded me to a corner suite that is bigger than my first home on Minden Avenue. The swanky room is environmentally green with all types of lights that require an engineering background to turn on and off. The big HD screen has real-looking fish swimming when I open the door. Lordy, I find an I-Phone charger hooked into my personal music system, a metal machine to heat up my towels, an espresso machine in lieu of the usual coffee device, electronic shades and curtains, Bushnell binoculars to view the city, and a very useless exercise yoga mat and weights.

     A personal (well sort of) letter from The Donald, his wife’s jewelry catalog, and a book on Feng Shui (look that up) was on the table, along with Trump chocolate truffles. I had to get out my Geezer Glasses to operate the shower, but I felt all international. Breakfast at the Japanese-influenced “Sixteen” restaurant had fabulous views of the lake and city but the computer program told each and every person on the staff who I was and they all addressed me by my last name. I noted that their upcoming Brunch was going for $125.00 plus and knew I was living large again.

     I do a quick bite at the original Pizza Uno from 1943 for the famous Chicago-style deep dish pizza. Their earliest franchising started on the next block over with “Pizza Due”. Some marketing type stopped the numbering and they did the franchise thing all over America as Pizza Uno.

     My visits to this enjoyable and very ethnic city usually involve studies of extreme weather gear in the frozen canyons between buildings. Surprisingly my March trip last year brought record-breaking warmth and ladies in sun dresses and sandals downtown Chicago in March. What if Al Gore was right? Even worse, what if it turns out he did invent the internet? But wait, this year it was normal Chicago and the typical January (actually worst in twenty years), so all is well.

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