Blog Posts

THERE IS A SHORTAGE OF WHAT?

5/4/2015

                    Condoms you say are in extremely short supply in Venezuela. You might say for us guys happily married for almost forty years, this is a total non-issue. Nevertheless as you get older you tend to reminisce about your youth. Of course in actual fact, condoms to us young guys were much like lottery tickets today. Whether you bought a ticket (or owned a condom in your wallet in those days) did not matter. Your odds were virtually the same either way, as in zero. But like winning the lottery now, as a young man it was always nice to dream.

                    Now before you quit reading and just think me just daft, we are talking about geopolitics here with this condom example. I am just trying to make you smarter. Around 2005 Thomas Friedman published a book called The World is Flat. He predicted and described how global affairs affected workers, companies, as well as economies. So, as an example, a small country like Greece can cause heartburn to Europe which affects the U.S. dollar. Production in Russia or Saudi Arabia cause changes in the price of oil affecting the price per gallon at your corner station.

                    Bloomberg News reports that crude oil accounts for about 95% of Venezuela’s foreign currency earnings so as oil dropped in price due to larger global matters, its exports fell about 60%. Now there are shortages in all types of consumer products in Venezuela from diapers to deodorant and natives stand in line for hours to buy the almost-impossible-to-find items. Therefore, the very serious issue of world economies – at it relates to condoms in Venezuela.

                    An advertising director there was quoted as saying: “The country is so messed up that now you have to wait in line even to have sex.” Apparently this is bigger than frustrated lovers there, since the country has a very high rate of HIV infection and such. They have auction sites for scarce items and the world famous Trojans go for 4,760 bolivares for a 36-pack ($755 or about $21.00 each). So this proves the effect of globalization on the economy of a country.

                    Again, as a young male growing up in somewhat rural West Virginia, this would have had no effect on me. It would have made civics much more fun and understandable however. I probably would have paid more attention if they used these practical examples.

                    As a footnote, a friend just sent me a note saying that condoms do not guarantee safe sex. He reported that a guy was wearing one and was still shot dead by the woman’s irate husband. To quote Larry The Cable Guy: “Guns don’t kill people. Husbands who come home early kill people.”

WHISKEY IS GOOD FOR YOU?

4/2/2015

                    Down deep in her heart, my mother must have known that. While she did not partake, she did use it for cooking purposes. I would line up for seconds on her rum cake which leaked rum even after baking. Her Christmas Bourbon Balls were the Jell-O shots of today. The problem was that you gained eight pounds by the time you got mellow.

                    If we had only been able to have this discussion about the “10 Health Benefits of Whiskey” recently published by The Luxury Spot on that internet thing. Even so, I am sure moderation would have been her word back to me. I guess you can write an article about anything being good for you – in some way. The Scots and the Irish called whiskey “the water of life” adapted into their early language from the Latin aqua vitae. Of course, we all know distilled alcohol in the form of beer, wine and spirits came about from really bad drinking water in those days. One of the first things the Pilgrims built was a way to brew beer.

                    The authors of the above health piece assert that, if you are going to drink alcohol, whiskey can be good for you. They say it has:

Lower calories than mixed drinks, beer and wine.
Better heart health attributes by reducing blood clots, reduce risk of stroke and heart attacks and can even lower your cholesterol.
Contains helpful antioxidants.
Can reduce dementia.
Can reduce stroke risk, fight stress, boost memory, aid indigestion, increase life span and as zero-carbs can help with diabetes.
Gets rid of warts and in-grown toenails (not really, but I threw that in for fun just in case you were not yet convinced).

                    I am sure the Pork Council advocates that a pound of bacon a day is good for the sheen in your hair. Well, whether documented by full scientific studies or not, I chose to believe that a tumbler a day of good whiskey is now good for me. As they say: “Can’t hurt, and might help.”

                    The Guinness Factory on the River Liffey in Dublin claimed for years in their “adverts” that “Guinness is Good for You” but were stopped long ago by the regulators. Now some researchers at the University of Wisconsin say a pint of the Guinness may work as well as a low dose of aspirin to prevent heart clots. Again, the wonderful antioxidants are the reason, just like in whiskey.

                    Like them, I make no medical claims here, but a senior partner of my law firm had a long history of heart issues. On one of his several serious heart attacks, they called in the family for the very grave situation. He asked his heart specialist, a hunting buddy, “Well, can I have a drink?” He then had a stiff belt of whiskey and lived more than 10 more years after that until the big one got him (as he was hanging up his fishing rod from a trip when he was in his eighties). That sure convinced me.

                    In the event any of the health benefits are true, and because there could be snakes in the halls of these high-rise office buildings, I am having a tumbler tonight after the car is in the garage and the clients put away for the night. They say a little will help my health.

DAMN TECHNOLOGY

3/3/2015

                    Do you know of anyone who died from not forwarding that serial email to five others? Unfortunately, I have heard of some people who thought their “cousin” had died in a foreign country before they got their money out, which required their bank account number only to accomplish the transfer of funds.

                    It seems like only yesterday that green message slips were taken for telephone messages in an office. Now anyone can reach you at any time, even during funeral services. I am struggling with this need for all to be right now. Somehow we seemed to do okay with: “May I leave a message?”   Now people seem to be vibrating with crazy noises of all type coming out of their pockets and purses all the time. I really like it when someone pulls out one of those giant pads/telephones to take a call. Kind of reminds me of the Crocodile Dundee movie when he said: “Now that’s a knife.”

                    The tour of the Secret Cold War Bunker at The Greenbrier in White Sulphur Springs, West Virginia still requires you to check and leave your telephone before the tour starts. You see people shaking as they hand it over. I am sure it was the same when Wyatt Earp asked the Clancey brothers to check their guns before going into the saloon in Tombstone. Some people seem just too connected these days.

                    My favorites are the quiet stalls of the men’s room and then someone says: “Hello.” Really, could you wait just a minute or two? The classic is the 70' movie theater screens that admonish all to turn off their phones. It is quiet as the movie is about to start – a phone rings – and the Jeopardy type answer is always: “Nothing” to the unheard question of “What are you doing?”

                    Oh, for the good old days of Mrs. Smith just yelling out her back door: “Billy Bob, get your butt home now.” That was communication. It was direct. It was effective.

TIMELY THOUGHTS

2/3/2015

                    In 2015 you will have some extra time. Apparently atomic clocks (clocks that use electronic transmissions as its frequency standard) are very accurate. The earth, however, did not get the memo. It is slowing “a little bit” says the head of the Earth Orientation Parameters Group at the U.S. Naval Observatory. To make that up, an extra second will be added on June 30, 2015 to the world’s benchmark time standard (Coordinated Universal Time, or UTC). They call this a leap second. It seems when they adjusted it last in 2012 it did not go all that well. Surprise, some computers did not know what to do with that extra second.

                    Instead of going all Y2K on this, why don’t we just focus on how we shall use the extra time. Perhaps I’ll exercise or start a diet. Let’s make good use of this extra time, instead of “How the hell did this happen?”

                    I went high tech a few years ago and bought an atomic clock radio, not really knowing anything more than it stayed on time. Then someone decided that Daylight Savings Time was so good it should be extended another week or two. The fancy clock does not know that and twice a year it wakes me at the wrong time causing slight panic until I realize my UTC is off. I’ll call the people at the International Earth Rotation and Reference Systems Service (really) and complain.

                    None of this was funny, but don’t you feel like a real smart ass now? You too can be a total bore at the next social event by starting a riveting discussion on the pros and cons of the leap second. You will be a thought leader since this might break the internet and is more likely to do so than the picture of Kim K’s posterior. By the way, the tech people suggest the fix is a “leap smear” adding handfuls of milliseconds gradually to the atomic clocks so the computers don’t crash due to two same seconds in a row. Now there, my job here is done.

HONK IF YOU WERE EVER MARRIED TO LEWIS GRIZZARD: A GOOD SOUTHERN HUMORIST

1/2/2015

     The late humorist Lewis Grizzard, a great American, joked that he had been married so many times that he once saw a bumper sticker on the Atlanta Beltway that said: “Honk if you have been married to Lewis Grizzard.” He regularly joked about his several marriages and his multiple heart operations.

     Lewis (1946-1994) wrote a humorous newspaper column in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution that got syndicated and was widely circulated. His down-home southern humor no doubt influenced current successful comedian Jeff Foxworthy. By submitting a winning joke to the local newspaper, I once got a backstage visit and front‑row seats with the most gracious Mr. Foxworthy for his show. However, I never got to meet Lewis, who died at the tender young age of 47. As I recall, he got remarried again just before this last heart operation before his death.

     Back in the 1960’s comedian Bill Cosby, and others, did records of their stand-up routines. However, Grizzard brought this to a new level when cassette tapes were available of his live road shows. I recall groups of us sitting around a cassette player laughing until tears, and sometimes other liquids, came out. They were just that good, all seven of them.

     He took many of his weekly columns (or from his expanded comedy routines) and turned them into books. He used catchy titles for all of them like:

                                 IF LOVE WERE OIL, I’D BE ABOUT A QUART LOW.

                                 CHILI DAWGS ALWAYS BARK AT NIGHT.

                                 SHOOT LOW BOYS, THEY’RE RIDING SHETLAND PONIES.

                                 THEY TORE OUT MY HEART AND STAMPED THAT SUCKER

                                 FLAT.

                                 . . . . and many more (twenty-five altogether).

     A friend gave me an autographed copy of “Don’t Sit Under the Grits Tree with Anyone Else but Me” (November 1981). Mind you, it was autographed to unknown “John and Mary” February 6, 1984, but why quibble over a piece of history like that. While I have quoted Lewis many times, it has been a long while since I read his books or listened to a tape (one of those thingys in a plastic case that always came unspooled on the turnpike trips when you really wanted to listen).

     Even though now dated, his brand of humor was just priceless. He made being southern, or a redneck, a badge of honor. He said he was the only person from Moreland, Georgia who made the New York Times bestseller list, and for that matter, the only person in Moreland, Georgia who had heard of the New York Times. If you have not read him, I encourage you to get a little southern humor that touches all of small town America. His books are still available.

     Lewis, rest his soul, published four times per week. He was syndicated in about 450 newspapers. I marvel at how my local humor columnist can come up with his good material for his once-a-week Sunday column. There are days when I struggle to come up with anything worthy of saying out loud. To have print-worthy humor four times a week is beyond me. My local newspaper humor guy, Rick Steelhammer, claims to just be writing in the bush leagues in Backwater, United States, but I disagree and find him very entertaining. I admire him for coming up with something once a week.

     Since I am not getting paid, or generating any income whatsoever, from my alleged humor site, I guess I can get by with charity humor. By that I mean that my friends laugh politely in my presence and say “Bless his heart” in my absence. I view this humor blog as helping the economy by generating all the little electrons that make the letters appear in front of you from wherever the hell the Cloud is located.

     I just got buzzed with electrons telling me it is “Whiskey Sour Day”. I had no idea. As the BuzzFeed article on drinks said: “Whiskey Sours are for throwing up in a dorm bathroom.”

     Oh, well, as Grizzard wrote: “When My Love Returns from the Ladies’ Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?” Since I am now too old to die young, the answer is probably yes.

How could this go wrong?

12/2/2014

      The medieval town of Bruges, Belgium has been brewing beer in the town for five centuries. To keep lots of beer trucks out of the town’s old cobblestone alleys (like 500 trucks or 85% of the town’s truck traffic) they have decided to build an underground pipeline from the De Halve main brewery out to an industrial park where they will now bottle and ship the beer.

     You know there are guys there already trying to figure a way to tap into the new line. Just like the cable TV drops, someone will figure a way. What fun when a pipe breaks and there is beer spraying out of an eight-foot hole.

     The beauty of humor, and using an electronic column, is that I do not need to follow 10th grade English teacher Zella Bishop’s training about structure or transition. So, I can next actually ask you if you celebrated International Talk Like a Pirate Day. I don’t know why they celebrate it, but lots of people have a great time with the swagger. A radio jock called it a “whimsical alternative” to serious and depressing things. In other words, the silliness of it is the best feature and there really is no point being made.

     At Black Bart’s Locker you can gather an entire dictionary of pirate terms. Amaze your friends and family with your new language skills, you laddies and beauties. They even have German and Dutch translations of all the useful lingo.

     I am sure there is an App for that. With new Smartphones out now, a company called Athos is selling a "Smartass" line of workout clothes. There are sensors built into the compression shorts that measure electrical impulses in your butt and thighs with data to your Smartphone App measuring your physical activity. I wonder what my underdrawers are sending out now as I am sitting in my chair drinking a non-pipeline beer. Well, so much for that “smart clothing” business.

IT IS JUST NOT SAFE WHERE I LIVE

11/3/2014

     I have commented before on the high number of deer to car encounters where I live. The local paper reported recently that State Farm released their annual study showing my state as the leader in the entire nation for deer collisions for the eighth straight year. I suppose this is a big cost item in the underwriting department at State Farm such that they talk about it at shareholder meetings. “You have a 1 in 39 chance of hitting a deer in West Virginia.” “Don’t drive there. Take I-81 around the state and the national chances of hitting a deer are 1 in 169.” I know it is a deer to driver count but I wonder if we have really dumb deer, or just a lustful deer population. No one hits them on purpose, so there must be some good reason they are in your headlights.

     In any event, it is nice to be number one. We recently were voted the fattest state, but I don’t count that. We did tie for first with Maine and Montana for the best ranking in higher education for diverse programs and affordability. We just need to get more natives to use it.

     I also was greatly encouraged to learn that money is worth way more in “Almost Heaven, West Virginia”, according to the Tax Foundation. Because of prices lower than national averages, my home state had the sixth best purchasing power in the country. The related value of $100.00 was $112.87 in West Virginia, clobbering New York at $86.66 and California at $88.57. So before the left edge of the country falls into the ocean, consider moving to Almost Heaven. If you are thin, that will help a bunch also.

     Since this is an alleged humor column, I should not be so philosophical and should mention the importance of September as the return of the Winter Blend. It is not Starbucks, but rather the good version of gasoline for your car. In May of each year the price goes up as they switch (retool is their word) to produce the lighter cleaner summer version with blending components that just cost more. But in the fall, they put back the cheaper butane to make Old Nelly run good in the colder weather. Why not a Hallmark Card Day for this? Winter Blend Day is coming soon. Don’t forget that beloved aunt and her Olds 98.

     By the way, did you know that CBS did a study of the most common computer passwords and in 2012 it was “Password.” For a moment, I was worried about Chinese cyber attacks and then realized these folks deserved to be hacked. I bet their locker combinations were 1, 2, 3 to open. Random thoughts here for random people.

EXPLAIN SOME THINGS TO ME

10/3/2014

Desi Arnaz used to say this to Lucille Ball all the time on the “I Love Lucy” show. As we get older, we start to question the natural order of things, such as:

Was all that time learning cursive really necessary?
Does Google Maps really need to start at my house? How about from a spot I do not know as Step 1.
How many times should one say “What?” before giving up on understanding another?
Just exactly how am I supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
Why cannot companies agree to make one format of something so I do not have to debate VHS or Beta; Blu-Ray or regular; Word or WordPerfect?
Why can’t I remember when I was not a little bit tired?
Instead of “Friends with Benefits”, should we start looking for “Friends with Insurance Benefits”?
Was there some class for women only where they were told you need lots of pillows in your house, on your beds, and on your chairs?
While treading in the Danger Zone, was there also a shoe shopping class?
If I had invested $1,000 in 1979, I would have had $$. But as my friend used to say: “I did not have $1,000 in 1979”, so why tell me that?
Why doesn’t Victoria’s Secret sell a flannel line of the exact same products? Wouldn’t you think there would be a great cold weather market for these?
Why do we still bother with pennies?

Now, I do not care what you say, that is some deep thinking from the small room in the house. You know that you too have a lot of similar questions to ask, but only discuss them with the voices in your head.

“AGAINST THE ASSAULT OF LAUGHTER NOTHING CAN STAND” Mark Twain

9/2/2014

There are days when I grumble about everything. As they say, a grumpy person of German descent is known as a Sour Kraut. It is like the days when the sand at the beach gets stuck in your underdrawers and there is no relief. Of course, on other days I sometimes just find humor in any of the daily reads. Writers for BuzzFeed had fun describing what one’s adult beverage of choice said about them and they got me laughing.

Some drink description examples from their June 2014 piece:

Whiskey sodas are for bar fights.

Tequila shots are what you do only after you are already so drunk you can no longer experience pain.

Scotch actually tastes better if you wear a monocle while drinking it.

Margaritas are for people who go “Woooo” at the same time.

Hennessey are uncle drinks.

Gin and Tonic is for old white men with too much money. You don’t have bar fights with them, you have bar disagreements.

Bloody Marys are for those who like getting wasted more than eating brunch.

Champagne is for people who are really good at online shopping.

Everclear grain alcohol is for when you just want to die.

Flaming drinks are for people who do not want to pay to have their eyebrows tweezed.

Martinis are for wives cheating on their boring finance world husbands with the pizza delivery guy.

Red Bull and Vodka are for people who I would not leave with my wallet or children.

See Bashutskyy and Chris Ritter for BuzzFeed for many more and even better descriptions. I am now afraid to order any drink now — hey, don’t judge me.

Switching topics like a woman seeking new shoes to match a purse or a guy at the 50-item salad bar, I observe that the University of Michigan Transportation Research Institute has now rated North Dakota, South Carolina and West Virginia as places with the highest odds of becoming a traffic fatality. Now, that is profiling, I do not care what you say.

They rate D.C. and Massachusetts as the lowest chance of a traffic fatality. Back up the truck! Since they used the number of road deaths by distance driven and the number relating to state population, doesn’t it seem odd that the high density Northeast Corridor would have fewer deaths than the thirteen (13) almost empty Robert C. Byrd Highways in West Virginia? I suspect the high number of deer strikes here might also skew the results. As Dad said, “Since most accidents occur within three (3) miles of home, we are going to move.”

Bad Decisions Make Good Stories

8/5/2014

                    You never know when it will strike, but there comes a certain moment when you just know nothing productive is going to happen for the rest of the day. Sometimes it starts when you exit from a Word document and it pops up a block asking you if you want to save changes? Wait, the thing is, you just read your long document and made no changes! That moment can also come when you are winning an argument and you suddenly realize you are wrong.

                     Yes, we all know that much later our errors and bad judgments can become good stories. It has happened to many of us, except for those few who were born without the humor gene. You all know them — the wrapped-too-tight person who thinks way too much of themselves. I believe there could be peace in the Middle East, but for them.

                      We know lots of people who want to be funny, but their timing or thought process is way off. Likewise, you don’t want to be viewed as the class clown covering up for some deep-seated insecurity. But, truth be told, a little humor is good for you and helps you lead others if done properly. CEO’s tend to say a sense of humor is one of their most important traits. Even Warren Buffett has been known to toss in one-liners in serious topics (“You only find out who is swimming naked when the tide goes out.”). You remember a good and funny ad long after it has ended as another example.

                       Humor can be an effective teaching tool to make a difficult subject more approachable. A Professor of Law I know made ethics courses attractive with a proper mix of humor. I might note that that ethics courses are not usually funny. So humor can be a practical tool as well.

Attention Parents

Unattended children will be given a

Red Bull and a free kazoo.

                       I personally like to use instead: children will be given a cup of coffee and a free puppy to get their attention. Some do not laugh, but they understand that little Dennis the Menace needs some supervision.

                       Perhaps a little wit or humor might make your life and work a bit more enjoyable. Go ahead, bust out a good joke and laugh with your friends — at no one’s expense but yours. That is where the bad decisions can later make for a good story. I can freely joke about forming a Big Republicans for Christie Club. But I’ll kick your ass if you make a joke about my weight, or my thyroid problem as I’ll say, to make you feel really bad.

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