It is 24 hours a day and even comes with yet More News “crawls” at the bottom of the actual news screen. The heads talk something to death as news and it is usually depressing. Nevertheless, one needs to read and hear the news just to keep up with the “Maroons” of the world – you know the man who tries to rob the Burger King by climbing down the grease vent type.
So even the routine news of the day can humor us. Take the star college athlete who has an online (only) romance for almost three years, is told she died, and then mourns her in his public comments. It is a cruel hoax player on this highly touted athlete they say. As one comic dead-panned, “these Te’o jokes are all very funny, but let’s all try and remember that a person who never existed, is dead.” As Leno said, boy this guy will have problems in the NFL: “Look, there is your girlfriend” and right around him you go. His favorite song: “It was just my imagination” and his girlfriend is Miss January in the 2013 Mayan Calendar. The Alabama quarter back’s girlfriend will be in the SI swimsuit edition, and Te’o′s girlfriend will be on “Myth Busters”. I am just glad Te’o′s fake dead girlfriend is not here to see all this.
I had a fake girlfriend in college, but I had the decency to use the picture that came with the wallet, said one comic. SEC football – Real Football; Real Girlfriends. There she is behind the running back. Can’t you see her?
Now no one wants to see a college-educated person be cruelly duped. We understand he is young and impressionable. But are we at the point of virtual relationships and only electronic love? Would you not want to meet the person to see if maybe she had three eyes? Some of the hottest women found only on the internet have flat tops, shoot Glocks and drive police cruisers I am told. Come on – let me see a person in person before I fall in love and then schedule her funeral. Let me touch her.
It is all there in front of you in the news if you just read. Just today the highly-esteemed American Veterinary Medical Association (the AVMA) proudly revealed that my home state is ranked eighth for pet ownership. Yes, riveting news, and a press release was issued which revealed that West Virginia ranks fifth for dog ownership and sixth for cat ownership. 45.8% of all West Virginians own a dog. Strangely, Vermont is the top state for pet ownership, while nearby Rhode Island has the fewest households with a pet. Odd news, don’t you think? I never did trust those people after I learned that state was not an island.
One of my deceased partners was a gun collector and we formed a little LLC for him called “Kenny’s Pet Removal Service” at herekitty.com. Neighbors’ dog barking? – call Kenny. No questions asked and no more barking dog. Perhaps his estate sold the business to someone in Rhode Island where there are no longer many pets. I’m just sayin’.